Chapter One: Der Kinden

Contrary to popular misconceptions, your memory develops well beyond adolescence and peaks when you are approximately 30 years old, i.e. your memory sucked when you were little. Indeed many things must have happened when I was little, but I wouldnt remember despite other people keep telling me, not that I wanted to, either.

Another theory is that you probably remembered everything, but because of an underdeveloped mind, you are unable to bring them up when you want to, and they only trickle back if you are lucky.

So I was born, on the 10th day of June, 1989 in a small town in my old country. It was my grandp's insistence that my due mother travel a few hundred miles and give birth in a dilapidated hospital with no heating near where they worked because, after all, it was the summer of '89, the year of much shenanigans in a year that is probably the last babyboom, this is go get back at me a bit later in life.

According to my parents my birth is not exactly uneventful. I simply refused to come to this cold, hostile world. After several shots of oxytocin the midwives lost their patience and dragged me out with forceps, I am glad that they are not allowed to do it anymore because it literally scarred me for life: to this day, I still had a prominent bulge on the occipital side of my head, similar to what they describe as "Neanderthal Cranial Types". I get teased a lot because of this, in a good way since it is usually associated with my purported intelligence. I eventually got used to it, however not without resent since it is probably the first reminder to me, that somehow I am different to everyone else who had a normal skull and normal life.

So there I was born, I was with my mom in that run-down part of the province till I was 6 months old and they get be back to my actual hometown, where I remained for the next 12 years or so, never been away for more than a couple of months. I grew up without incident, however I have to say that nothing much has been remembered. Apparently I was pretty close to my mom, refusing to be left at the kindergarten despite mom working not far from that place. The only other fragment I do recall is once I sneezed while being spoon-fed my lunch, and the result isnt the most pleasant. If I could meet that nanny again I'd apologise over and over again for what I did, which I did not mean to do.

I did not stay long there before being sent to a better kindergarten, where I found my niche: I learned to read from quite early on, well before everyone else did. While other kids had their stories read by parents before they went to bed, I read them myself. And to be honest, I rather enjoyed the status of the official story-teller of the class. I was probably also an over archiever too; my parents tells the tale of me breaking down crying because I am not going to a Senior class at the start of a new year, despite the fact that I am exactly one year too young.

So that was probably the most happy period of my life, made better because I was the Wunderkind. Everybody knows me and everybody likes me; only regret is that all ended too quickly.

Unfortunately, my nasty traits has also started to develop around the same time. For one, I was uncomfortable with the convention and mannerism of the old country. For example, the gifts of money and food or whatever you get from older folks, and to accept, you will have to initially (pretend to) refuse. Indeed I was confused about this gesture, does it mean that I am lying for the first time round, do I really want their gifts for the risk of lying(which is still a critical sin to me back then) in front of people who love me.

So my strategy was to refuse, sternly; and take great offense in case the startled people insisted that I should take it(How Peculiar!). Money is grabbed and ripped in the middle; food is thrown to the ground and stomped; anything else not so readily destructible are to be chucked away where I can't see them, and give everybody present a bad moment. One may simply label such behavior as childish stupor, however I doubt if anyone had done anything so deeply cynical back then. I was not normal, or I never have been?

On our last night we had a bonfire party and I was the designated speaker. To think about it as my high-water mark would be an overstatement, but I have never managed to recover that level of prestige and satisfaction ever since. Another thing that did not disturb me till very late is that, while everyone was signing yearbooks and exchanging phone numbers, I stood there watching. I did not understand the point: we were friends, we had a good time, BUT why bother hanging onto people when you all had to move on and possibly not see each other again in your life?

I did not think much of it for a long long time, until the revelation came that I may actually have some form of high-functioning autism, probably Asperger. It had not been the result of any recent changes, but a lurking disease that had been with me since day zero. My inabilty to understand social norms has been there, so deep that to this day I think of my own infancy as a huge shame.

I did not know, because I was too well protected by my popular aura and love of others. And it's soon about to change.

Prelude: C'est la vie, c'est mon métier

(Insert French whining tune here)

So, I am turning 21 in a few weeks time, still preferably all by myself. I was not fond of celebrating birthday for starters, much less so in recent years when my parents made cheesecakes mandatory for any of these occasions, and they make me SICK. Birthdays are curses to me, one bitter reminder to how closer I am to my inevitable senescence and miserable death.

You see, I feel guilty embarrassed for doing anything normal, from day to day. I remember starting the trend of handing out travel sweets on birthdays at high school, so what I did must have had an effect on people, yet when I think about birthdays it still brings up unpleasant memories.

Anyway back to the title, what I intend to do in these relatively peaceful hours of my life is to write a series of anthology for myself. In the past I have tried to initiate a (good) habit of writing diaries in the past however never really succeeded once, and I will need to write them down before I forget while sitting here and lamenting my male pattern baldness.

Just to show how fast I am dying within.

Drink for thought

Not a song this time, but still a very amusing clip worth watching:-)




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Still one month and two weeks to go till the inevitable Darkest of Days, yet it feels like it already it is. So we should all make this cosy drink to make yourself feel better staying up late, or even better when you get up in the morning coz it tastes much better than tea;D

As for the ingredient you will need:
Vodka, I use red label Smirnoff however blue should work just as well
Cranberry Juice, McCoy's version is cheap and plentiful, yet it is more on the sweet side once it is heated and makes our wonderful recipe tastes like punch for teenagers, therefore we need....
Lime Juice, lemon juice is an okay substitute, or citric acid in case you are extremely desperate and cannot afford/find lemons.

How to make:
1. Microwave or somehow heat the juice till piping hot however do not boil, will probably destroy all the ascorbic acid but hey, we did not make this drink for the vitamins
2. Pour into a mug, leave about 1/4 of volume for the rest.
3. Top up with vodka, add lime juice to state, enjoy!

Looks, and tastes like some nasty venom, however truely lekker

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Dyson sphere (Not related to Dyson of various fancy and overpriced vacuum cleaner and hand dryer and blade-less desktop fans), our only hope in sustainable development and intergalactic expansion!
Actually it will be much less than a sphere, since the sun comprises 99.8% of mess in out system it would be pretty unlikely that we will completely cover the star with artificial structures, however, a series of satellites in tandem nearly as good
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Optical Illusion

eath Lives!

-------Andrew Joseph Stack III
(He had not used the line, however I attributed the statement above to him anyway)

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Optical Mindscrew, stare for 20s, look elsewhere and see the world melt in front of your eyes.
http://www.neave.com/strobe/
Warning: Highly convulsant yet addictive, not recommended for photosensitive epileptics.

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Need a smartphone with good music playback, iphone is out, should I get a Symbian or Andriod one?

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Essay due in two weeks, with a BIOSCI351 test right before that. Hmmmm I will be busy

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--Symptoms of Limerence

Limerence has certain basic components:

* Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or LO-will be used throughout article-), who is a possible sexual partner.

* Acute longing for reciprocation.

* Dependency of mood on LO's actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation.

* Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur when limerence is at low ebb -- early on or in the last fading).

* Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation.

* Fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO's presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes.

* Intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point).

* Acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO.

* An aching of the "heart" (a region in the center front of the chest) when uncertainty is strong.

* Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident.

* A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.

* A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, into another positive attribute.

Well that makes me limerent with the entire world, highly unlikely

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A bit late but I have to make mention: Space Bio Charge LIVE = Pure Awesomeness even in the bootlegged version, already bought the compilation CD, now waiting futilely for the Live soundtrack that will never come:(

And I know I should have done Chemistry

All contents below added under the effect of a half-bottle of cheap '08 Merlot and a bag of crisps.


Kick Ass: Five stars our of four, one extra I stole from Roger Ebert entirely dedicated to Chloë Moretz, without her this film is nothing awesome as it is. Too bad it had to screen alongside the much anticipated Iron Man 2, well you cannot always win.

By the way, she had a strange resemblance of a younger Blake Lively
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Enjoyed every minute in my attempt to resurrect my lab coat soiled with AgNO3, bleach worked to an extent however ammonium thiosulphate saved the day, it is now as good and snow white as new:-)
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The statement above is followed by depression because it reminds me again of how much I could have enjoyed chemistry, biomed sucks, sucks BIG. Who cares about mannose-LAM receptors or neuranimidase, I want my mercury fulminate and isopropyl palmitate :-(